What Not to Wear: Holy Week Edition

Peter is one of the twelve Apostles, and although he may possess the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven, he sure doesn't possess good fashion sense.

His brother, Andrew, says that his brother's long, shapeless robes do nothing to flatter his figure and that his grey hair makes him look much older than he really is.

Thankfully, fashion gurus Stacy London and Clinton Kelly have come to turn this unholy situation into something divine. What Peter doesn't know is that for the past few weeks, we've been secretly filming him as he went about his daily routine. Now, Stacy and Clinton are going to surprise Peter when he least expects it.

"This is My body which is given for you; do this in remembrance of-"

"SURPRISE!!!"

"Congratulations, Peter! You've been selected to appear on TLC's What Not to Wear!"

"Because your wardrobe SUCKS!!!"

"What?"

"Your brother, Andrew, set you up!"

"He did?!"

"Ha, ha! Gotcha!"

* * * * * * *

Stacy and Clinton have taken Peter to New York to analyse his wardrobe and to find out how to turn this man of God into a god of a man.

"Okay, Peter, we have got to get you out of the first century and into the twenty-first century. You wear these drab, boring outfits that scream, 'Crucify me.'"

"As the head of the Patriarchate of Rome, I must maintain my humility."

"Yeah. Well, humility went out with stonings. Get with the times! You've got a strong face and a lean physique; you should flaunt it!"

"Stacy, is Clinton hitting on me?"

* * * * * * *

With fashion advice and $5,000 worth of Visa credit in hand, Peter is ready to hit the streets of New York with confidence, but Stacy and Clinton will be watching to make sure he obeys The Rules.

"I am really shocked by this whole ordeal. I mean, one minute, Jesus is consecrating the Blesséd Sacrament, the next, I'm getting a total make-over!"

* * * * * * *

Peter is seemingly observant of The Rules at first, but Stacy and Clinton soon have to come to the rescue.

"Stop right there."

"What are you buying? You're shopping in the bath robes section."

"But, I'm a bishop. Do you expect me to not wear my robes?"

"Oh, get over yourself. Let's get you into something a little more... you."

* * * * * * *"Come on out, Peter. Let's see how gorgeous you look."

"I look like a massive tool."

"No, you look like a sexy tool. Now look: We've replaced your sandals with a nice black shoe; your frumpy robes with a nice, long pant; and that shirt looks fabulous on you."

"May God have mercy upon your souls."

* * * * * * *

With his clothing tastes enlightened, Peter heads off to hair stylist Nick Arrojo and make-up artist Carmindy for the final steps in his conversion.

"All right, Peter. We have to do something about your hair. It's grey and unkempt and frankly, you look old."

"I'm thirty years-old. I'm well past my life expectancy."

"Well, we can make you look twenty-five; so, let's get to it!"

* * * * * * *"Well, Peter, are you ready for the new you?"

"Not really."

"Ta-da!"

"Well! I certainly look better than you-Ugandan refugees. Ah-heh."

* * * * * * *"Okay, Peter. You say you do work as a fisherman and the constant exposure to sea air has weathered your skin, right?"

"I'm also a fisher of men, but that's neither here nor there."

"Well, we're going to use a revolutionary new exfoliation treatment to melt all of those years away."

"Oh, whoopee."

* * * * * * *"All right, turn around."

My skin looks like that of a new-born babe! What trickery is this?"

"Success!"

* * * * * * *

Now that he has been fully made-over, Peter is ready for his final judgement from Stacy and Clinton.

"All right, Peter, get out here!"

"Hey, guys."

"Oh, my God! Shut up!"

"But I wasn't speaking."

"I love the bronze; it really is your colour."

"And the halo adds a bit of flair."

"I just want to thank you all. I've never been so grateful. Well, except for the time Jesus made me an Apostle. Or the time He gave me the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven. Or the time-"

"Enough chit-chat. Get out there and shake your money-maker!"

With his sassy new outfit and matching halo accessory, Peter's new wardrobe comes in at just under 15,000 talents. Now, he prepares to make his big debut for his friends and family.

* * * * * * *"Hey, every one!"

"Hey, Peter!"

"Say, where's Judas? That old kidder! He probably got himself into the wine coolers again, right?"

"..."

"Guys? Am I missing something here?"
* * * * * * *

Tune in next time for another episode of What Not to Wear!