"That's hot."The re-imprisoned Paris Hilton has apparently found God. In a telephone interview with Barbara Walters, she said that "...God has given me this new chance."
During her time in the pokey (and the Gumby, too - slut), Hilton mistakenly mistook a Bible for a box of Ecstasy. Upon realising that consuming the Old Testament did not produce any sort of high, Hilton used the literacy skills she acquired from Hooked on Phonics' "Very, Very Remedial" Level books to pore through the Word of God.
"I'm praying for strength. Like, the strength to keep my food up," Hilton said. When asked if she meant "keep my food down," Hilton looked confused and requested that she be allowed a bathroom break.
During her prison stay, Hilton reportedly joined no less than three different groups, including the Aryan Nation, the Nation of Islam and the Tossed Salad Tusslers, a women's only gang. She is now well-versed in such other texts as Mein Kampf, The Holy Qu'ran/Qur'an/Koran and The Vagina Monologues, respectively.
Hilton says that as a good Roman Catholic, she plans to repent and become a nun. When told that the religious life required chastity, she stared vacantly at the interviewer and inquired what that had to do with partying or filming sex tapes.
Reports that the Episcopal Church of the United States of America had submitted a request that she become a priestess were not confirmed at press time.
During her time in the pokey (and the Gumby, too - slut), Hilton mistakenly mistook a Bible for a box of Ecstasy. Upon realising that consuming the Old Testament did not produce any sort of high, Hilton used the literacy skills she acquired from Hooked on Phonics' "Very, Very Remedial" Level books to pore through the Word of God.
"I'm praying for strength. Like, the strength to keep my food up," Hilton said. When asked if she meant "keep my food down," Hilton looked confused and requested that she be allowed a bathroom break.
During her prison stay, Hilton reportedly joined no less than three different groups, including the Aryan Nation, the Nation of Islam and the Tossed Salad Tusslers, a women's only gang. She is now well-versed in such other texts as Mein Kampf, The Holy Qu'ran/Qur'an/Koran and The Vagina Monologues, respectively.
Hilton says that as a good Roman Catholic, she plans to repent and become a nun. When told that the religious life required chastity, she stared vacantly at the interviewer and inquired what that had to do with partying or filming sex tapes.
Reports that the Episcopal Church of the United States of America had submitted a request that she become a priestess were not confirmed at press time.
7 praise(s):
It's sort of funny that the word verification for my post began with "kyj". I'm thinking that Paris will need some KY Jelly for the broom handle her roommate will use to give her some "lovin'".
Someone must have told her the Karma Sutra was a holy book
Why does Paris need to go to prison? I think being sent to rehab with Britney Spears would be punishment enough, or maybe that's worse. hmmm.
damian's a genius, he makes all of this stuff up by himself, he's hilarious
this was quite an amusing piece. I agree with deano very much.
*g* As always, funny stuff!
I love it. These parts are my favorite:
"..., Hilton mistakenly mistook a Bible for a box of Ecstasy."
"When told that the religious life required chastity, she stared vacantly at the interviewer and inquired what that had to do with partying or filming sex tapes."
I kept trying to watch her out-of-prison Larry King interview last night, but I couldn't force myself to stay tuned for more than 30 seconds at a time. Hey, at least I tried.
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