Official Russian Government photograph of one of the two vessels used in the Arctic expedition.On Thursday, Russian explorers planted their country's flag on the seabed 14,000 feet below the North Pole to further Moscow's claims to the Arctic.
Immediately following the Russian expedition, North Pole wire services released breaking news: Santa Claus, North Pole President-For-Life, was in critical condition and being treated in his private residence by the world's top physicians, who had to be flown in to the harsh, isolated location.
After undergoing extensive testing, extremely high levels of the radionuclide polonium-210 were found in Mr. Claus's body. Immediately, eyes were turned on Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is allegedly connected to the deaths of many of his critics, perhaps most notably ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko.
Immediately following the Russian expedition, North Pole wire services released breaking news: Santa Claus, North Pole President-For-Life, was in critical condition and being treated in his private residence by the world's top physicians, who had to be flown in to the harsh, isolated location.
After undergoing extensive testing, extremely high levels of the radionuclide polonium-210 were found in Mr. Claus's body. Immediately, eyes were turned on Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is allegedly connected to the deaths of many of his critics, perhaps most notably ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko.
St. Nicholas: Patron Saint of children, sailors and poisoned Russian dissidentsWhen pressed for comment, President Putin's office released the following statement: "It would be impossible for the Russian Government to deliver the necessary amount of poison to Mr. Claus via his milk and cookies as we know for a fact that he uses an extensive food-testing network of elves who screen out any possibly tainted treats."
Critics have been quick to respond, however, that it is August, and Mr. Claus does not use food testers outside of the "Christmas rush," when death threats against him - mainly from Jehovah's Witnesses and the ACLU - are especially high due to the high cost, both in elf pay and lives.
It is currently unknown whether Mr. Claus will live through the night, but doctors say things are looking grim. Children can rest assured, however, that the annual gift giver's pain is minimal. Investigators searching his home found a closet marked, "Mistletoe," inside of which was a secret garden of cannabis plants. Assuming Mr. Claus makes a full recovery, he will be charged with facilitation, possession and consumption of a Schedule I drug under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970.
Critics have been quick to respond, however, that it is August, and Mr. Claus does not use food testers outside of the "Christmas rush," when death threats against him - mainly from Jehovah's Witnesses and the ACLU - are especially high due to the high cost, both in elf pay and lives.
It is currently unknown whether Mr. Claus will live through the night, but doctors say things are looking grim. Children can rest assured, however, that the annual gift giver's pain is minimal. Investigators searching his home found a closet marked, "Mistletoe," inside of which was a secret garden of cannabis plants. Assuming Mr. Claus makes a full recovery, he will be charged with facilitation, possession and consumption of a Schedule I drug under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970.
1 praise(s):
Legitimately funny stuff here my friend. Rickey approves mightily. Check out Rickey's blog sometime. It's the balls.
Post a Comment