Fake Live-Blogging - Now with Fred!

8:59 - This was on five hours ago, but I was in class, so read!

9:01 - Ooh, economy! I heard Chris Matthews got torn a new one, so this should be goooood!

9:03 - Fred's opening statement about the economy. Mmmmm... Statisticlicious...

9:04 - Smart of Fred! to note Michigan's economic woes. He needs a lot of support in that State, where he is currently running fourth amongst primary voters.

9:05 - Mitt's taking a similar tack, but he seems too interested in Government intervention in the economy. Last I checked, that's the reason the Great Depression lasted long as it did.

9:07 - Smart of Rudy to snipe at Hillary. Getting Republicans to see this as HRC versus the GOP will help him stay at number one in the polls.

9:09 - Ooh, attacking inflation and billionaires. Ron Paul is a libertarian and a class warrior. Interesting mix.

9:10 - All Paul did was attack the system without giving a solution. So, he's a liberal now?

9:10 - McCain gets all Adam Smith on Ron Paul's ass. Aw, yeah.

9:11 - Mmm... Straight talklicious...

9:12 - YES. Attacking "unhealthy" taxes. Kill that nanny state, John!

9:14 - Mike Huckabee sounds like a liberal who hates taxes. A classical liberal, if you will.

9:15 - Duncan Hunter is smart. Remember that. Outsourcing hurts our troops in the field, and Communist China is cheating on trade. That's all you need to know.

9:17 - Fred! attacks China and their trade policies. But free trade is good. And he cites his Senate record. Hmmm...

9:18 - I can't stand Sam Brownback, but he sounds good on taxes. Still, he looks sort of like an elderly lesbian.

9:19 - Tom Tancredo rips Medicare and Social Security. Why, why is such sanity unpopular?

9:20 - Mmm... Privatisationlicious...

9:21 - Check Rudy's numbers! You've had five hours, twenty-one minutes.

9:22 - Mmm... Line-item vetolicious...

9:23 - Rudy Giuliani: A "strict constructionist" who is indifferent with regard to overturning Roe v. Wade. Riiight.

9:25 - What's wrong with the microphones tonight?!

9:26 - Fred! on free trade: He's got the whole world... In His hands... Everybody!

9:29 - John McCain is such a bitch when it comes to spending.

9:30 - WOW. Bringing in illegal immigration's costs. Good ol' Tanc.

9:31 - Mitt brings in his business experience. Smart move.

9:34 - Rudy labels the Democrats as against narrowing our trade deficit and says we should treat other countries as our customers. And Dubai can own 20% of NASDAQ if they're safe. In other words, Dubai can't own part of NASDAQ.

9:35 - Paul: Dubai isn't a threat to our national security. Me: WTF?!

9:36 - Huckabee: America shouldn't pay higher taxes for foreign goods. Uses liberal term "fair trade" to mean fair to America. Huh!

9:37 - McCain is a student of history. Romney is a businessman. Got it.

9:37 - Fred! emphasises national security. Smart.

9:38 - Hunter: Hell, no! Me: Hell, yeah! (Hunter is right, I mean.)

9:39 - Lower tariffs says Brownback. Yes to Dubai.

9:40 - Tanc echoes hunter. Natch.

9:41 - Fred!: Lower taxes. Grow the economy. Reference Reagan. Gold!

9:42 - Break. Thank God.

9:45 - Back!

9:47 - Fred! is good, good, GOOD on the War on Terror.

9:48 - McCain says I told you so on Iraq.

9:49 - Paul notes the economic impact of Iraq... And refers to our "empire overseas." Wow. Damn. Huh. Um, zing?

9:50 - My liberal room mate says that Paul "is like an economics class." On that, we agree.

9:51 - Brownback gives a good answer on Iraq... If you're sympathetic to the pro-victory view of Iraq.

9:52 - Fred! is holding his own. And totally PWNS Matthews.

9:54 - Romney isn't giving a straight answer about Congress giving the power to declare war to the President, specifically to take out Iran's nuclear reactors. Paul must be seething.

9:55 - Hunter notes the special circumstances of using a narrow window to attack a fleeing target. Again, smart. But says we may have to "pre-empt" an attack on Iran. What?!

9:56 - Paul is insane. Calm the hell down!!!

9:57 - Huckabee basically says it's okay to ignore the Legislative Branch. Smart?

9:58 - McCain is tempered. Now, on to Fred!

9:59 - Fred! notes that Congressional approval helps guide public opinion. Does it, given their low approval ratings?

10:00 - Rudy gives the BEST. PAUL. DIS'. EVAH.

10:01 - Shut up, Rudy. We liked your last response. We know you hate Hillary. QUIT HOGGING YOUR TIME!!!

10:02 - See. Rudy? The next question was for you, anyway. But solar and wind power are stupid. Don't even mention them.

10:03 - YES. Nuclear power FTW!!!

10:04 - Brownback notes that a hybrid car was parked outside the building. An audience member goes, "WHOO!" Gotta love this stuff.

10:05 - Tanc is a bit off-beat tonight. Wait, he's always a bit off-beat. NVM.

10:06 - McCain suggests oil companies should use their profits to pursue alternative energy, but would not "take those profits." Good position.

10:07 - McCain worries about "climate change." GHEY. Attacks Chavez. PWNED.

10:08 - Huckabee is pro-ethanol? Stupid. He's rambling a bit, I think.

10:09 - Yeah, Fred! Who the hell are Goober and Gomer???

10:10 - Romney supports farm subsidies. What did Reagan say about subsidies again...?

10:11 - ARGH!!! Romney refers to global warming.

10:12 - Paul: Were not winning the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. DUMB.

10:14 - Huckabee says stuff. McCain says secure the border and stop wasteful spending. Refers to straight talk. Yeahhh.

10:15 - Romney hits Hill. Touts business record. Smart.

10:16 - Fred! "Our economy is on the line. Our prosperity is on the line."

10:17 - Rudy: Hillary "wants to put a lid on our growth." Attacks her idiotic socialistic plans. SMARRRT.

10:18 - My homosexual suite mate was yelling. I have no idea what Hunter said. Brownback said something that pissed him off, so he must have been right for once.

10:19 - Tanc goes nuts. For the right reasons. Go to break.

Go nuts with this: The two liberals are yelling in my room. We're all straight, white men. We're diverse in that we go from eggshell to cappuccino foam. We're all SOOO stupid. There are so few young Republicans. That's the only correct thing they said. Condi is a lesbian. Log Cabin Republicans all hate themselves and want to ruin the world for other homosexuals.

10:25 - Fred! said something, but the liberals are still talking. They said that there is a high prevalence of uneducated people in the GOP.

10:26 - Tanc is awesome on immigration. (Swoons)

10:28 - Romney attacks Hill. Lather, rinse, repeat.

10:29 - Mmm... Market dynamicslicious...

10:29 - Ron Paul said something the liberals like. So, he's wrong.

10:30 - Huckabee says stuff. McCain supports the right of workers to not join unions.

10:31 - My liberal room mate wants Romney, Brownback and Tancredo dead. Niiice.

10:33 - Fred! and Rudy speak. Chris Matthews asks Rudy to sing that "Look for the Union Label" song. Chris needs to get out more.

10:34 - Hunter says that unions help to build the middle class. And Brownback supports unions because his mother was a union member. Oooookay...

10:34 - TANC DISSED BROWNBACK'S MOM?! DUDE.

10:35 - My liberal room mate said he wishes he could have convinced Sam Brownback's mother to have an abortion.

10:37 - McCain says stuff. My liberal room mate tells how he told a Republican teacher to suck it. Christ help me.

10:39 - Fred! talks about devaluing currency.

10:40 - Rudy is pro-jobs, or something.

10:41 - My liberal room mate accuses McCain of having 12 MB of child porn. The homosexual says as a bad joke that 12 MB is too little to be illegal. I retort that this is child porn, not marijuana.

10:42 - My liberal room mate claims that the GOP is like the Ku Klux Klan, and "Democrats are at least open."

10:44 - For the record, my liberal room mate knows I'm a Republican (for the primaries - I almost registered as a Conservative) and is saying these things. Niiice.

10:45 - Huckabee talks about SCHIP. Health care is his thing, so he's either really, really right or really, really wrong.

10:46 - Romney says preaching hate is bad. Good.

10:47 - Fred! talks about the weak dollar.

10:47 - Rudy: SELL! SELL! SELL! Overseas.

10:48 - Brownback says stuff. McCain doesn't know crap about interest rates or the Fed. Dumb.

10:49 - Ron Paul: End the war! Change my diaper!

10:50 - Tanc notes a lot of people's frustrations (read: ME) about choosing between the lesser of two evils.

10:51 - Brownback says the GOP nominee will be "pro-growth and pro-life." SHOT AGAINST RUDY ALERT!!!

10:52 - Hunter refers to respecting all life and the life of the unborn, and Rudy loves New York. ...AAAAAND the liberals are talking again.

10:53 - Romney loves America, hates liberals and gives props to Reagan. Pandering much?

10:54 - Fred! likes Stephen Harper and hates "the bad guys." Smart.

10:55 - Huckabee hates airports as much as sane people do. Smart, smart, smart.

10:56 - McCain likes the President of France. Times sure have changed!

10:57 - Romney says that the greatest long-term threat to our economy is "a sense of optimism." GOD.

10:58 - Brownback wants stable families. Don't we all?

10:58 - Rudy hates socialised medicine. Shouldn't we all?

10:59 - Thompson blows off the notion that he waited too long to get into the race. The polls say different. The debate is over. Toodles!

Early Halo 3 adopters shocked to find game does not cure cancer.

Master Chief: The chemotherapy of gaming?

Microsoft Corp. said on Thursday that its Halo 3 video game racked up worldwide sales of $300 million in its first week, making it one of the year's best sellers and helping to more than double sales of its Xbox 360 console.

"I don't care if it's over-priced, derivative and has a cropped single-player campaign, this is the best game EVER!" gamer Christoph Garvey shouted into his headset whilst fragging some noobs on Xbox Live. In real life, Christoph is a sophomore at a local community college in Baltimore, Maryland, but in the world of Halo, he is a god.

"I used to be really bad at multiplayer," the 19 year-old virgin admitted. "But once I gave up showering, I was really able to dedicate the time needed to play the game to its fullest," Christoph explained as his Depend undergarment began to yellow.

Not all gamers are as enthusiastic as Christoph, however. Diane Starkey is a rarity in the gaming world. A self-described "hard-core girl gamer," Diane was surprised that Halo 3 not only failed to rival the glory of the Second Coming of Christ, it failed to cure her colorectal cancer, which ironically was caused by an infection that resulted from the massive haemorrhoids she developed following a reportedly non-stop 48-hour gaming session of Halo 2.

"The worst part is that because the game doesn't serve any medical purpose, it's not tax-exempt," she fretted. "I not only blew 130 bucks on the Legendary Edition, I can't find the last freaking Skull! I want my damn Achievement Points, bitch!!!"

The United States Department of Health and Human Services released a report Saturday that there are no health benefits to playing Halo 3 and that if anything, prolonged play sessions could probably cause "a reduction in the smoothness of the gamer's eye, thus creating a square, television-like shape as opposed to the more spherical structure of the ocular organ."

But the most dedicated of fanboys laugh off the warnings with scorn. Christoph summed up their attitude thusly: "Those punks don't know s**t about our mad skillz. They're just jealous 'cause I'm number ten on the leaderboard for three days running. MOM, MORE CHEETOS!!!"