10:33 - Jindal blasts the bill as unread by Congress and unseen by the people. He attacks the Republican Party for straying from its principles. Jindal gives props to America's successes over slavery, depression and war and says our best days are ahead, not behind us. It's ovah. Watch analysis; I'll be in my trailer.
10:27 - Jindal talks about how Government regulation hindered rescuing people in rising flood waters, then shifts to how the stimulus bill is full of pork, discusses alternative energy and drilling, more affordable health care, makes the case for charter AND parochial schools, citing his record as Louisiana Governor.
10:24 - REPUBLICAN RESPONSE: Bobby Jindal comes forward and works his mojo. He gave Obama his history-making props. Jindal mentions his background, being the son of Indian immigrants. He calls for bipartisanship.
10:06 - For some reason, Obama saying not everyone has agreed with him thus far is a laugh line. Closing remarks. FUN FACT: Obama was interrupted 65 times for applause. FUNNER FACT: The speed with which we learnt this proves that FOX News literally has someone assigned to count each applause line.
10:02 - Ordinary Americans are TEH AWESOME. Let me profile a bunch of specifically selected people who are sitting in the chamber tonight! One of them is a girl sitting with First Lady Michelle. Mrs. Obama looks much less Grinchy tonight.
9:59 - I'm closing Gitmo, and we will be safe! ... It makes total sense! Oh, and we don't torture.
9:58 - We honour our veterans' service, even in this stupid, stupid war.
9:57 - We will responsibly end this war. Camera shows McCain saying something snarky to Susan Collins. Heh.
9:55 - 95% of working families will get a tax cut! (under breath) But since businesses will all go bankrupt you won't have anywhere to spend it.
9:54 - Remember, free trade is BAD. Tax cuts for outsourcing businesses are EVIL.
9:52 - Obama gets booed for lying that the stimulus is free of ear-marks.
9:51 - Hey, parents, be responsible, dipshits!
9:50 - Orrin Hatch and Ted Kennedy rule - for some reason.
9:49 - By 2020, America will have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world! If you are willing to serve your country, you WILL GET A HIGHER EDUCATION, DAMMIT.
9:47 - Education needs reform: We need to be committed to charter schools. Every American should seek at least one year of higher education. Dropping out of high school is quitting on your country.
9:44 - This is like the 27th historical reference Obama has made: Teddy Roosevelt supported reform, like, 100 years ago, and we need universal health care within a year!
9:43 - WE NEED UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE! WE MUST SEEK A CURE FOR CANCER IN OUR TIME. AND FLY WITH UNICORNS.
9:40 - CARBON IS EVIL. WE MUST DESTROY IT.
9:38 - Alternate energy! I choose you!
9:36 - We laid rails during the Civil War! I'm Lincoln, DAMMIT!!!
9:35 - Debt kills schools! I inherited lots of problems! Everyone must do stuff to fix this!
9:32 - We have to govern responsibly, hate Wall Street executives and help small business owners. DIE WALL STREET DIEEEE
9:30 - More populist rhetoric about how corporate executives are EEEEEVIL.
9:28 - So, yeah, we're going to help the private sector somehow. We will help responsible families refinance their houses and lower their mortgages.
9:25 - OH MY GOD - THEY JUST GAVE BIDEN A STANDING OVATION. Well, we know they aren't all in wheelchairs. God, Biden is an idiot.
9:23 - This bill will create 3.5 million new jobs - 90% in the private sector - including building roads. Wait, isn't that a public sector job by nature? I is confoosed.
9:22 - Let's get back jobs! I'm not for bigger Government, I'm for getting rid of debt through overreaching Government intervention!
9:20 - America has lots of sucky, crappy things. We import too much oil, our schools suck and oh, by the way, Bush's policies sucked, just so you know.
9:18 - Obama personalises his address and is all like, "Your kid can't go to college, and that sucks. But America will get better, or something!"
9:16 - Awkward moment - Obama starts speaking, then Pelosi interrupts him by introducing him. Obama introduces his wife, to even more thunderous applause.
9:14 - HE'S FINALLY AT THE FUCKING PODIUM. QUIT THANKING EVERYONE AND GIVE THE DAMN SPEECH.
9:12 - Annnnnd he's still walking towards the podium.
9:10 - THERE WE GO. Here comes da Prez!
9:07 - HOLY CRAP START DAMMIT - I know Obama isn't a very timely politician, for the love of God, START SPEAKING, BARRY.
9:05 - Whew! Almost missed it! Let's do this thing!
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
The 2008 Douche Bag of the Year Awards
(SOMERSAULTS THROUGH GIANT PICTURE OF A DOUCHE)
Welcome, one and all, to the much-delayed, completely awesome, head-assploding 2008 DOUCHE BAG OF THE YEAR AWARDS!
2008 was a year of unrivalled douche-baggery, and there were many excellent contenders. But there can be only one Douche Bag of the Year - in addition to a pant-load of runners-up (in no particular order).
MSNBC AND THE OBAMA-LOVING PRESS.
Look, we all know the MSM are biassed, but, dude, they didn't even try to hide it this election cycle. Whether it was Olbermann and Matthews giving their "fair" anchor coverage during the conventions, to yet another Obama puff piece ("But does Senator Obama really love fluffy kittens? We corner him on the issue, next."), to the utter lack of coverage given to Senator McCain and the repeated assaults on Sarah Palin, the MSM more than deserve this, the first runner-up, for Douche Bag of the Year.
ROD BLAGO... BLAGOY... THE FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR
A late-comer in 2008, good ol' hot Rod earns this award not merely for being a corrupt Chicago douche bag, but for being a whiny, self-aggrandising, corrupt Chicago douche bag. When you compare yourself to that douche bag, Gandhi, you seriously need a slap to the face, douche bag.
AL FRANKEN
Even if he won by a clear margin, Al Franken would still place in our fine awards ceremony. Al Franken is the Sean Penn of American politics. He is rude, loud and untalented, not to mention functionally retarded (oh, but he's a Democrat, what am I saying?). No matter who is seated in Congress God-knows-when, Franken will still be a stupid, ugly loser douche bag who pisses me and all other God-fearing Americans off.
"REV." JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Hey, what do you get when you take a Christian minister and combine him with racist, historically inaccurate theology and a Chicago machine which enables him? You get the EPIC FAIL of a man of God which is Jeremiah Wright. I don't want to give him any more of my time, since he's so crazy and irrelevant, so let's just leave it at that. Douche bag.
WILLIAM AYERS
Here's the thing. Regardless of whether you thought Ayers was a worthy campaign issue in the last election, the fact is, he is a domestic terrorist and should be regarded as such. His recent publicity blitz in which he's been trying to come off as some sort of misunderstood academic is dishonest and shameful. That, and nothing to do with Mr. Obama - is why he is a runner-up for Douche Bag of the Year.
ACORN
Obviously, Mr. Obama's margin of victory was far too great to call this a stolen election, but the fact is, ACORN's shenanigans (not to be confused with that place with all the goofy shit on the walls) were just part of the Far Left's attempts to undermine our Republic. At least Diebold was smart enough not to leave a paper trail, douche bags.
CHRIS DODD, BARNEY FRANK, FREDDIE MAE, FANNIE MAC, ET CETERA
Wow, way to kill an economy, guys! I mean, it's not like making sure lending companies didn't give out loans to those who couldn't afford them was your job, or anything. Oh, wait! It was! Douche bags.
THE BIG THREE AUTO-MAKERS
For being crappy companies which can't compete on the world market and demanding that the American tax-payer bail them out. Again. Douche. Bags.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH AND TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON
I like George Bush the man. George Bush the President... Well, he sort of got the ball rolling on leading us to socialism, sooo... Seriously, he and Paulson's insistence that we kill the free market in order to save it was stupid. ("He has a headache! Decapitate him!") But yeah. Also, I'm still mad at Mr. Bush for all of the problems and scandals - especially his inability to take control of his message in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Harriet Miers, his futile focus on Social Security privatisation post-2004 election, his God-awful shamnesty bill and his horrid preparation for post-invasion Iraq - which ultimately led a generation to despise the Republican Party and a Nation to abandon its principles and elect the most unqualified, Leftist President in American history. (GASPS FOR AIR) Douche bags!
ELIOT SPITZER AND JOHN EDWARDS
Anyone who cheats on his wife is a douche bag, but to do so when you're a prominent figure whose getting caught would utterly humiliate that wife is unconscionable. On top of that, Spitzer had relations with a prostitute despite cracking down on prostitution, and Edwards had extramarital relations as his wife was suffering from cancer. Douche bags!
TED STEVENS
Way to be corrupt and try to hide your opponent's votes, jackass. Stevens is part of the Alaskan culture of corruption Governor Palin seeks to clean up (and yes, I know Palin and Stevens have been close in the past, but that has nothing to do with Palin's political cleanliness, so shut up), and also, Stevens is a RINO. So, yeah. Douche bag!
RON PAUL
For endorsing incumbent Congressman Don Young over Lieutenant Governor Sean Parnell in the Alaska House primary. Parnell lost by 304 votes - a fraction of a per cent. Paul is the reason Young is still in Congress - he had a strong following in Alaska. For his meddling in a race in which he had no stake and defending a corrupt scumbag, Ron Paul... IS A DOUCHE BAG. BRING ON THE HATE MAIL.
THE ANTI-PROP 8 MOB
If you voted against Prop 8 (the California traditional marriage amendment), then great, more power to you. I personally would have voted for it more as a rebuke to an activist judiciary than anything else; I would much rather marriages be taken out of the civil sphere and replaced with civil unions (marriages would be considered an exclusively religious institution). That having been said, the tactics of those unsatisfied with the November 4th vote have been horrifyingly undemocratic. There are now lawsuits attempting to get Prop 8 repealed as unconstitutional. That makes no sense. If Prop 8 was unconstitutional, why did you even consent to its inclusion on the ballot? Campaigning against Prop 8 implies that if your side loses, you will accept the results. You know, like the way elections normally work. And for the record? Terrorising shop owners who donated to Prop 8 doesn't exactly gain sympathy for your side. Douche bags.
GLAAD AND THE ANTI-RED EYE GAY MAFIA
If a woman has her breasts removed and takes male hormones, then stops taking the hormones, is artificially inseminated and gives birth, can she still be called a man? Okay, better question, if someone gives birth under any circumstances, can she still be called a man? If you have to pause to think for even a second, you're retarded. That is the main thesis of Greg Gutfeld and his pals over at Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld, the funniest television show on television ever, ever, ever. GLAAD and a bunch of teh gheys got all pissy over the show's stance, as well as his mocking Ellen's obsession with bragging about her "wife" and Greg's sick love of trannies. Anyone who watches Red Eye knows that the show is, if anything, pro-gay. Many guests are openly homosexual, and traditional views on the matter are usually skewered, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Seriously, these people need to stop acting so... gay. Douche bags.
HAMAS AND ISRAEL HATERS
Okay. Nation gets attacked. Nation defends self. Attackers hide amongst civilians. Civilians die by accident. Nation is blamed for civilian deaths. How logical. Douche bags.
THE IRAQI SHOE-THROWER
In a nutshell, if this guy were still under Saddam's rule, and he tried to throw a shoe at the Iraqi dictator, he'd be lucky if he still had a foot to stand on. Douche bag.
NANCY PELOSI AND HARRY REID
Worst. Congressional leaders. Ever. Douche bags.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND DAVID PATERSON
I'm a New Yorker, and I hate the Nanny State. Therefore, I don't like Bloomy and Davey. Also, Bloomy is a bit of a tyrant, what with the whole "extending his term without popular approval" thing. Douche bags.
THE VIEW
Hey, here's a novel idea: Have four liberal women beat up on one air-headed conservative woman and call it a talk show. It'll garner millions! Douche bags.
BILLY MAYS
BILLY MAYS HERE WITH DOUCHE BAG CREAM! IT'LL STICK TO ANY DOUCHE BAG AND MAKE YOUR DOUCHE BAG GOOD AS NEW!!! DOUCHE BAG!!!
VINCE OFFER
Hey, you know what, Billy? FUCK YOU. Because I've got SHAM-FUCKING-WOW, THAT'S WHAT. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY NUTS, DAMMIT. DOUCHE BAG!
THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH
Vicki Imogene Robinson. Katharine Jefferts Schori. A Buddhist Bishop. A Moslem priestess. Need I say more? DOUCHE BAGS.
JOHN MURTHA
For being the ultimate example of how when you're in office long enough, no matter who you are, an incredibly uninformed electorate WILL vote for you. No matter what you say about our troops or your constituents.
JOE BIDEN
For being everything Palin's detractors accused her of and nothing his supporters said he was. Foot-in-the-mouth douche bag.
DAVID AXELROD AND RAHM EMANUEL
The architect of Obama's campaign and Obama's White House Chief of Staff, respectively. I am NOT giving Obama a douche bag of the year award because I only award it to actual human beings, as opposed to empty suits. These two, however, more than represent Obama. They're essentially his brain and his brawn. They're also douche bags.
And now... The moment you've been waiting for... The 2008 Douche Bag of the Year is...
The envelope please!
ANDREW SULLIVAN (AND ALL OF SARAH PALIN'S FAUX-CONSERVATIVE DETRACTORS)
There was a time when Andrew Sullivan was a centre-right, homosexual, Roman Catholic, British-born writer-turned-blogger. He has since become a rabid, Left-leaning idiot, who would sooner side with an Islamic terrorist who would hang him for his homosexuality than he would an a pro-traditional marriage evangelical Christian who would love the sinner, in spite of the sin. Sullivan represents the absolute worst in Leftist hypocrisy and conspiracy-mongering. He still - still! - can't stop obsessing over the maternity of Trig Palin. Still! And as for the other "conservatives" who attacked Sarah Palin because of her supposedly hick, un-edumacated credentials... Don't let the door hit you on the collective arse on the way out. Palin 2012, bitches.
That about sums it up! Congratulations to all the "winners"! We'll see you next year...
DOUCHE BAGS!
Welcome, one and all, to the much-delayed, completely awesome, head-assploding 2008 DOUCHE BAG OF THE YEAR AWARDS!
2008 was a year of unrivalled douche-baggery, and there were many excellent contenders. But there can be only one Douche Bag of the Year - in addition to a pant-load of runners-up (in no particular order).
MSNBC AND THE OBAMA-LOVING PRESS.
Look, we all know the MSM are biassed, but, dude, they didn't even try to hide it this election cycle. Whether it was Olbermann and Matthews giving their "fair" anchor coverage during the conventions, to yet another Obama puff piece ("But does Senator Obama really love fluffy kittens? We corner him on the issue, next."), to the utter lack of coverage given to Senator McCain and the repeated assaults on Sarah Palin, the MSM more than deserve this, the first runner-up, for Douche Bag of the Year.
ROD BLAGO... BLAGOY... THE FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR
A late-comer in 2008, good ol' hot Rod earns this award not merely for being a corrupt Chicago douche bag, but for being a whiny, self-aggrandising, corrupt Chicago douche bag. When you compare yourself to that douche bag, Gandhi, you seriously need a slap to the face, douche bag.
AL FRANKEN
Even if he won by a clear margin, Al Franken would still place in our fine awards ceremony. Al Franken is the Sean Penn of American politics. He is rude, loud and untalented, not to mention functionally retarded (oh, but he's a Democrat, what am I saying?). No matter who is seated in Congress God-knows-when, Franken will still be a stupid, ugly loser douche bag who pisses me and all other God-fearing Americans off.
"REV." JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Hey, what do you get when you take a Christian minister and combine him with racist, historically inaccurate theology and a Chicago machine which enables him? You get the EPIC FAIL of a man of God which is Jeremiah Wright. I don't want to give him any more of my time, since he's so crazy and irrelevant, so let's just leave it at that. Douche bag.
WILLIAM AYERS
Here's the thing. Regardless of whether you thought Ayers was a worthy campaign issue in the last election, the fact is, he is a domestic terrorist and should be regarded as such. His recent publicity blitz in which he's been trying to come off as some sort of misunderstood academic is dishonest and shameful. That, and nothing to do with Mr. Obama - is why he is a runner-up for Douche Bag of the Year.
ACORN
Obviously, Mr. Obama's margin of victory was far too great to call this a stolen election, but the fact is, ACORN's shenanigans (not to be confused with that place with all the goofy shit on the walls) were just part of the Far Left's attempts to undermine our Republic. At least Diebold was smart enough not to leave a paper trail, douche bags.
CHRIS DODD, BARNEY FRANK, FREDDIE MAE, FANNIE MAC, ET CETERA
Wow, way to kill an economy, guys! I mean, it's not like making sure lending companies didn't give out loans to those who couldn't afford them was your job, or anything. Oh, wait! It was! Douche bags.
THE BIG THREE AUTO-MAKERS
For being crappy companies which can't compete on the world market and demanding that the American tax-payer bail them out. Again. Douche. Bags.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH AND TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON
I like George Bush the man. George Bush the President... Well, he sort of got the ball rolling on leading us to socialism, sooo... Seriously, he and Paulson's insistence that we kill the free market in order to save it was stupid. ("He has a headache! Decapitate him!") But yeah. Also, I'm still mad at Mr. Bush for all of the problems and scandals - especially his inability to take control of his message in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Harriet Miers, his futile focus on Social Security privatisation post-2004 election, his God-awful shamnesty bill and his horrid preparation for post-invasion Iraq - which ultimately led a generation to despise the Republican Party and a Nation to abandon its principles and elect the most unqualified, Leftist President in American history. (GASPS FOR AIR) Douche bags!
ELIOT SPITZER AND JOHN EDWARDS
Anyone who cheats on his wife is a douche bag, but to do so when you're a prominent figure whose getting caught would utterly humiliate that wife is unconscionable. On top of that, Spitzer had relations with a prostitute despite cracking down on prostitution, and Edwards had extramarital relations as his wife was suffering from cancer. Douche bags!
TED STEVENS
Way to be corrupt and try to hide your opponent's votes, jackass. Stevens is part of the Alaskan culture of corruption Governor Palin seeks to clean up (and yes, I know Palin and Stevens have been close in the past, but that has nothing to do with Palin's political cleanliness, so shut up), and also, Stevens is a RINO. So, yeah. Douche bag!
RON PAUL
For endorsing incumbent Congressman Don Young over Lieutenant Governor Sean Parnell in the Alaska House primary. Parnell lost by 304 votes - a fraction of a per cent. Paul is the reason Young is still in Congress - he had a strong following in Alaska. For his meddling in a race in which he had no stake and defending a corrupt scumbag, Ron Paul... IS A DOUCHE BAG. BRING ON THE HATE MAIL.
THE ANTI-PROP 8 MOB
If you voted against Prop 8 (the California traditional marriage amendment), then great, more power to you. I personally would have voted for it more as a rebuke to an activist judiciary than anything else; I would much rather marriages be taken out of the civil sphere and replaced with civil unions (marriages would be considered an exclusively religious institution). That having been said, the tactics of those unsatisfied with the November 4th vote have been horrifyingly undemocratic. There are now lawsuits attempting to get Prop 8 repealed as unconstitutional. That makes no sense. If Prop 8 was unconstitutional, why did you even consent to its inclusion on the ballot? Campaigning against Prop 8 implies that if your side loses, you will accept the results. You know, like the way elections normally work. And for the record? Terrorising shop owners who donated to Prop 8 doesn't exactly gain sympathy for your side. Douche bags.
GLAAD AND THE ANTI-RED EYE GAY MAFIA
If a woman has her breasts removed and takes male hormones, then stops taking the hormones, is artificially inseminated and gives birth, can she still be called a man? Okay, better question, if someone gives birth under any circumstances, can she still be called a man? If you have to pause to think for even a second, you're retarded. That is the main thesis of Greg Gutfeld and his pals over at Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld, the funniest television show on television ever, ever, ever. GLAAD and a bunch of teh gheys got all pissy over the show's stance, as well as his mocking Ellen's obsession with bragging about her "wife" and Greg's sick love of trannies. Anyone who watches Red Eye knows that the show is, if anything, pro-gay. Many guests are openly homosexual, and traditional views on the matter are usually skewered, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Seriously, these people need to stop acting so... gay. Douche bags.
HAMAS AND ISRAEL HATERS
Okay. Nation gets attacked. Nation defends self. Attackers hide amongst civilians. Civilians die by accident. Nation is blamed for civilian deaths. How logical. Douche bags.
THE IRAQI SHOE-THROWER
In a nutshell, if this guy were still under Saddam's rule, and he tried to throw a shoe at the Iraqi dictator, he'd be lucky if he still had a foot to stand on. Douche bag.
NANCY PELOSI AND HARRY REID
Worst. Congressional leaders. Ever. Douche bags.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND DAVID PATERSON
I'm a New Yorker, and I hate the Nanny State. Therefore, I don't like Bloomy and Davey. Also, Bloomy is a bit of a tyrant, what with the whole "extending his term without popular approval" thing. Douche bags.
THE VIEW
Hey, here's a novel idea: Have four liberal women beat up on one air-headed conservative woman and call it a talk show. It'll garner millions! Douche bags.
BILLY MAYS
BILLY MAYS HERE WITH DOUCHE BAG CREAM! IT'LL STICK TO ANY DOUCHE BAG AND MAKE YOUR DOUCHE BAG GOOD AS NEW!!! DOUCHE BAG!!!
VINCE OFFER
Hey, you know what, Billy? FUCK YOU. Because I've got SHAM-FUCKING-WOW, THAT'S WHAT. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY NUTS, DAMMIT. DOUCHE BAG!
THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH
Vicki Imogene Robinson. Katharine Jefferts Schori. A Buddhist Bishop. A Moslem priestess. Need I say more? DOUCHE BAGS.
JOHN MURTHA
For being the ultimate example of how when you're in office long enough, no matter who you are, an incredibly uninformed electorate WILL vote for you. No matter what you say about our troops or your constituents.
JOE BIDEN
For being everything Palin's detractors accused her of and nothing his supporters said he was. Foot-in-the-mouth douche bag.
DAVID AXELROD AND RAHM EMANUEL
The architect of Obama's campaign and Obama's White House Chief of Staff, respectively. I am NOT giving Obama a douche bag of the year award because I only award it to actual human beings, as opposed to empty suits. These two, however, more than represent Obama. They're essentially his brain and his brawn. They're also douche bags.
And now... The moment you've been waiting for... The 2008 Douche Bag of the Year is...
The envelope please!
ANDREW SULLIVAN (AND ALL OF SARAH PALIN'S FAUX-CONSERVATIVE DETRACTORS)
There was a time when Andrew Sullivan was a centre-right, homosexual, Roman Catholic, British-born writer-turned-blogger. He has since become a rabid, Left-leaning idiot, who would sooner side with an Islamic terrorist who would hang him for his homosexuality than he would an a pro-traditional marriage evangelical Christian who would love the sinner, in spite of the sin. Sullivan represents the absolute worst in Leftist hypocrisy and conspiracy-mongering. He still - still! - can't stop obsessing over the maternity of Trig Palin. Still! And as for the other "conservatives" who attacked Sarah Palin because of her supposedly hick, un-edumacated credentials... Don't let the door hit you on the collective arse on the way out. Palin 2012, bitches.
That about sums it up! Congratulations to all the "winners"! We'll see you next year...
DOUCHE BAGS!
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